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does anyone read the herald?

ken smiths diary.heres a few from him

A Jehovah’s Witness tried to tell me a joke the other day,” said the chap in the pub.
“But when he said, ‘Knock knock’, I ducked down behind the sofa and pretended I wasn’t there.”
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Reader Nick
Austwick was in one of the more challenging pubs in Cambuslang and asked
his companion if they would be safe there. “Just don’t show them your
teeth,” he replied. “They hate folk with teeth

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“Did you see that these trapped Chilean miners could be there till Christmas?” said the chap in a pub the other night. “Think of the overtime,” replied his mate.

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Alistair Sloan in Ayr was at the Jim Bowen show at the Fringe where an Edinburgh girl was asked in the general knowledge part of the game show: “Which old Queen was retired to Long Beach, California?”
She answered: “Liberace.”

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Neil Arthur tells us that for many years bagpipe tunes were named after battles, or regiments’ farewells to trouble spots. Perhaps a piper’s life isn’t so exciting any more, as he noted from the World Pipe Band Championships last week that Lothian & Borders Police band’s medley included The Day the Co-op Flooded.

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A Glasgow reader in a city centre card shop watched as an old timer holding a fancy large card bent down to work out from the list of codes how much it cost. He looked surprised, as we often do at the price of a piece of cardboard, then muttered to no-one in particular: “If I’d wanted to spend that much, I’d have bought her a present, no’ a card.”

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Des Divers, from Dunoon, writes: “Rangers must have saved a few quid on the pre-season tour. With all the young players they had with them they must have qualified for the free child place offers from travel agents.”